Saturday, November 24, 2012

Walking away...

Someone said the kindest thing to do is to quietly walk away.

I was not kind enough...
So I cried and exploded.
But if that's what you really want... Then I will be gone. 
Forever!
Walking away...
Wishing I could delete the memories of the past and the dreams of the future.
Walking away...
With just a single question.
Why now???
Walking away...
With invisible tears...
For us.
Walking away....

With just a single thought.
Your love!
Walking away...
With a bleeding heart...
My love!!

Chokher Bali

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Born on This Day!


My soul shivers a little and shudders awake in the middle of the night...
I am hot but it feels cold, lonely, lost, betrayed and unwanted inside me.
It searches for you, trying to remember how my name felt on your lips...
And remembers you saying, "I don't want this love"... And you repeated it.
One lonely tear trickles down the cheek, my soul screams in pain, "I am dry".
I promise to stop but I can't. It reminds me, "I don't want to cry for you"...
Did you say that too? Yes you did. And yes I hurt you. I was in pain too...
I took you for granted, I thought you know me and you will understand.
I said all the rights things, but in the wrong way... I am sorry I said for saying it.
You said all the wrong things, but in the right way... You are sorry you said for loving me.
It is still dark, my soul groans in pain... This time the wounds are deep and unexpected.
I am not your mother or your family, you reminded me. But you were mine.
My child cried for you but you went after another. A part of it died and buried within the soul.
I don't know that person. You said you are strong and you are sure but I needed you.
It will end anyways so why not today?
Not today.... I am not ready for it.
Not today.... I am still planning.
Not today.... I thought we had some dreams.
Not today.... I am begging for forgiveness.
Not today.... I need you.
Not today.... I was born on this day.
Not today.... I died on the same day.
This is what I will remember for the rest of my life.... On my birthday, crying for you to be kind!!!
And not finding it...

Monday, November 19, 2012

Because of YOU...


Because of you...
I became a better person...
But that's ok, it doesn't mean anything anyways.

Because of you...
I found a person I could cry to...
But that's ok, it doesn't give you anything anyways.

Because of you...
I found true love in my heart and soul...
But that's ok, it was meant to end soon anyways..

Because of you...
I cry myself to sleep everyday...
But that's ok, it's gonna stop someday anyways.

Because of you....
I lost trust in people and love...
But that's ok, it is not your problem anyways.

Yes, you don't have to prove anything to anyone.
But you did... Loud and clear...
"Think whatever you want to think...
Do whatever you want to do..."
These only proved how much you cared.

Oh I saw the strength of steel and its chillness running through your spine...
You were so confident, so sure, so strong, so calm, so unloving when you said...
"It is over."

Chokher Bali

THIS Love!


"I don't want this love" so you say...
Then take your name and your memories back with you.
To the comfortable and painless reality of yours
Where I can never exist because I am not a human.

I don't want THIS love, so you said...
THIS love that picked you up from the moment it saw you?
Or THIS love that gave you nothing but pain...
Or THIS love that patiently waited for you to come back?

If waking up each day and waiting for your text is love...
I don't want THIS love too...
If wondering why you never say good morning or good night everyday to me is love...
I don't want THIS love too...
If staying home every weekend to save money for our future trips is love...
I don't want THIS love too...
If watching you cry talking about your ex lovers is also love...
I don't want THIS love too...

If you can go everywhere to feel better than call me on my birthday, so you don't have to "prove" your love...
I don't want THIS love too.

If you can turn your cold heart when I am crying for you like a lost child, and say you don't have to "prove" your love...
I don't want THIS love too...

THIS love that you said gave you only pain will never find you again... 
THIS love is the lover that will hate you forever, for letting go of "THIS love"...

Chokher Bali

Saturday, December 31, 2011

2012 - May it be Y(ours)!!

Never accept anyone who wants to keep your love a secret... it's better to be openly single than secretly married;

Take good care of your old parents even if they get on your last nerve, remember you single handedly got on theirs when they fed and raised you;

Always remember that money can't buy everything, so cherish your health, your youth, and above all your friends and your family;

Cheap questions dont deserve cheap answers so don't provide cheap answers in anticipation of a cheap question either;

It's okay to forget bad people and bad memories. Chimney sweep your address, phone and memory books every now and then;

Don't eat breakfast cos some unknown saint said it's the most important meal; be your own saint and eat when you are really hungry;

Last but never the least (and this one is not an original, just my favorite quote), 
In your Future.... Never forget your Past!!!

- NOT another 'simple southy'.... Just call me a Madrasi...

Keep the Cheer!!!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

He is an extension of Me.... (Peek into my Me-Time!!)

Here's the sequel to the sequel written by Kriti on "FOB: Me-Time".... I thought I must add some perspective to the most vied Me-Time for someone like me... a single working immigrant.

It was one of those days in the North Eastern Coast where summer and fall meet with a friendly smile. One of those rare days where you don't need the AC or the Heater - gorgeous natural temperature inside your home... a perfect 73 deg when I went to bed last night. By 3am it was getting a lot chillier than expected.... uuurrrrgghhhh!!! WHY cant they have those freaking thermostat controls in every room?? I have to make good with the cotton sheets, scrambling myself to create some heat. HE refuses to get up and go downstairs to turn the heat up for me. What a sucker!! I curse under my breath and cuddle into a ball... oh nooooo it's monday again!!?!?!?

6:30am - First alarm helps start the day in French!
7:00am - Second alarm drags me out of bed!
7:15am - Miss myself screaming at my mom for my BED Coffee!!
7:45am - Jump into the shower and rush to work
8:30am to 7:00pm - meetings, reviews, meetings, answer stupid questions, read meeting minutes, schedule more meetings... to discuss future meetings!!
7:30pm - HE is tired too and forgets to stop at the grocery store
8:00pm - I realize we ran out of eggs and milk and HE is so indifferent. Fix something quick for dinner, Curse Him more under my breath (I could use some help)....
8:30pm - muster up the last fews ounces of energy left in my body to call my Parents and sound chirpy enough not to worry them.
9:00pm - Me Time to read a book... my eyes hurt and am exhausted.... F this... I will read during the weekend!!
9:30pm - sloshed and dreaming of the weekend....

Repeat until Friday!!!

And FINALLY comes the long awaited Weekend!!! Friday Night... is what I refer to when I say weekend.... just Friday night!!!
9:30pm - am not so sloshed. The night is young!!!
And then of course it ends like all good things when I wake up on Saturday. urrrrggghhhh... Work during the week and Chores during the weekend!! wtf?
I wake up with a list of chores for the days (sat & sun). He doesn't do a thing without me.... so it's not like we can divide and conquer... I'll take care of everything INSIDE the house while He takes care of everything OUTSIDE the house - sounds perfect!! But oh no, not for me. If I weren't this cool (wink) - I'd find myself somewhere between Mid-life crisis and Menopause during these 2 days!!!

Grocery shopping
Cook
Clean the Kitchen
Clean the toilets
Laundry
Fold the laundry
Press clothes for work
Vaccum the house
Cut the lawn
Remember to call the plumber to fix the leak
Make sure the bills are paid
Call that freaking credit card company and challenge that unexpected fee
Delete some recorded shows that I haven't had time to watch cos the DVR is running out of space
Call Family and Friends back home (and oh remember to be chirpy now!!)
Make a checklist of all the missed calls that I HAVE to return
Update FB status with some stupid quote so my friends know am still alive
Do the dishes
Beat myself up for something I forgot to remind myself...
and finally...
...Read a book?!?!?!? Me-Time... (it's already 9:30pm Sunday night - time to go to bed feeling SLOSHED again)

One day, you just wake up with a halo and wonder what this is all about? Life means much much more than just scrambling around like drunken squirrels. At least squirrels seem to be happy running around like that - they do know what they are looking for right?

One of my so-called good friends (a married couple with a kid) called me a few years ago and asked for some favor. I said I will try to find some time that weekend to get it done. They replied "What dyu mean you will TRY to find time?? What work do you have to do? You arent married... you don't have kids, you live a FREE life!!". I said, "Uhmmm lemme call you right back." and deleted their phone number and went right back to fixing my lunch. Good people, YES... but then who isn't? I like REAL people. The ones that don't underestimate the life or the struggles of another. The ones that believe in the saying "the grass is always green on the other side"... because that is most likely the truth.

I can safely speak for all the beautiful courageous single women out there... who are both Man and Woman of their homes - WE NEED OUR ME-TIME!!!! Contrary to what people may think of the "Free" single life... let's go actually find some "free" time to read a book, watch a movie, call a friend, or just take a power nap on Sunday afternoon... FIND your Free-Time and make it your Me-Time.

Mine, is between noon and 1pm at work.... when everyone's having lunch - I read my book. My Me-Time is food for thought!!!!


- NOT another 'simple southy'.... Just call me a Madrasi...

Keep the Cheer!!!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

To be Healed... of Love!!

Someone rightly said "Hurt me with the Truth, but never comfort me with your lies".
I looked back and I couldn't tell for sure which were true and which were not.
It doesn't matter anymore because both your lies and your truth hurt just the same.
I first stopped searching for answers, and then I stopped asking the questions.

I will wait for the day I would wake up to a forgotten past and distanced memories.
I will forget that it was not me you loved but a mere fragment of your imagination.
I will forget that my love, my lust and everything in between was but a handicap for you.
I will forget the feel of regret or hate in your eyes or the stifled stinging tears in mine.

Someday I will forget everything you told me - the lies and the truth - all of it.
Someday I will breathe well and not feel the ache inside each struggling heart beat.
Someday I will wake up again to the simple truth of life, full of passion called love.
Someday I will wake up and find myself worthy to be healed, of this pain also called love.

- NOT another 'simple southy'.... Just call me a Madrasi...

Keep the Cheer!!!